She woke up, feeling the weight of heavy eyes on her, and she lives alone. Startled, she sat up quickly noticing the cowboy sitting on the foot of her bed, smiling at her. Her breathing slowed down.
“Oh, it’s you John, you always startle me,” she said, catching her breathe. John continued to stare at her, smiling, not saying a word. They never say anything to her. She used to constantly ask the cowboy his name. His only response was a smile. She named him after the only cowboy she knows, John Wayne. She put on her robe, trying to keep as modest as she could in front of John, and walked to her bathroom. She stepped on the cold white hex tile in the bathroom floor, turning on the water. The old pipes banged around her as warm water forced itself out of the spurting faucet. She washed her face, regardless of the temperature, and brushed her teeth. She was tired from being out with the staff the night before. The nurses always call the shots on when they are going out, never asking the CNA’s about their schedules. But Ginny loved going out with them and took every chance she had to see Anthony perform on stage. She admired his bravery, going out in public, not afraid to show the world who he really is. Instead, Ginny always felt like hiding from the world under waves of different colors of hair and piercings all over her face. This week, she felt like hiding under a teal blue shade that she picked out from Amazon. She put her scrubs on, got out of the bathroom, ate her banana, and decided to get coffee at the facility.
“Bye John!” she yelled as she left the apartment. John starred back at her with the same smile nodding his head. She got into her 1995 Toyota Corolla, staring at the 250,000 mileage on the speedometer. “Let’s go for 20 more miles,” she whispered as she put the key into the ignition and prayed for it to start as the engine growled softly and then louder as it woke up, making sputtering sounds. Ginny sighed in relief, grateful it started, as she let it run while she wiped the snow off the car. She drove slowly in the cold weather to West 18th, trying to make sure she is there before 6 am. She has been written up way too many times for being late. She thought about all the people she will be working with today, knowing she wouldn’t see Mary or Sandro, since they all went out last night. She felt a little bummed about that as she pulled into the facility, jumped into the snow, and ran into the building, clocking in right at 5:59 am.
“Perfect,” she whispered as the doors opened to the green and brown hallway and the nurse’s station. She walked past everyone giving report from the night shift, and walked right into the buzzing computer room, where she took off her coat, put on her name badge, and walked into the kitchen to get some coffee.
“Morning Ginny,” said Julia. Ginny smiled, happy to see one good nurse here. She watched Julia, who was only five feet tall, put four feet of blonde hair into a ponytail, as she listened to the report from the night nurse.
“Morning Julia,” Ginny said as she went into the kitchen, pouring herself some coffee. She knew the coffee at West 18th was just brown water, so she anticipated this would not be her only cup. As she walked towards the door to leave the kitchen, she saw the familiar man with light brown skin and a fedora look through the window on the door. He smiled at her and then walked away. “Every morning,” she mumbled, not sure what to name him. She walked out of the kitchen and went down her hall towards the memory care unit. She put in the combination and the doors slowly opened. She smiled big and wide as she walked in, ready to take care of all her girls. The secure unit only consisted of women who suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia and Ginny loved working with them. They reminded her of little girls that liked to play house and with dolls, only needing a little extra direction here and there.
She walked into the memory care unit, noticing rows of pictures down the hall, depicting what life was like before dementia set in. She sighed as she walked pass physicians, lawyers, teachers, and mothers. She wondered if they ever thought, when they were her age, that this is where they will be, at a facility playing with dolls, and being reminded to go to the bathroom. As she walked to the end of the hall into the dinning room, she saw the night shift CNA Helen finishing her charting.
“Hi Helen,” said Ginny as she sat down, placing her brown water on the table. Helen smiled.
“You look tired, did you get enough sleep?” Helen asked. Ginny yawned as an answer. “I take that as a no.”
“I went to Anthony’s show last night,” Ginny said as she stretched.
“You are not hung over are you?” asked Helen. Ginny smiled at the question. Helen was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, making her the high supreme knowledgeable ruler of everything connected to drugs and alcohol, claiming she can smell an alcoholic ten miles away.
“No, I am fine,” Ginny said, taking a sip of her brown water, forcing it down. “So, how did it go last night?”
“Well,” said Helen, shaking her head, “Annamae is not doing very well. Hospice has been in and out through the night, but I think she is going to go today,” she said. Ginny nodded, aware of Annamae’s state. They have been anticipating this all week. As Helen went over the rest of the report with the other ladies in the unit, Ginny made a mental note to make sure she checks in with Annamae first. After report, Helen and Ginny did their rounds with all the residents. Helen then went to gather her things when she stopped.
“Did you see Patience last night?” she asked.
“Yeah, she came out with us. Why?” asked Ginny.
“Well, it was weird. A lawyer came in last night, and started to ask me questions about Jim,” said Helen as she put her coat on. “I never had that happen before, but he was asking a lot about Patience and Jim. He was asking so much, I had to stop him, and asked if I need a lawyer. That shut him up and he left,” said Helen. Ginny froze.
“Make sure you tell Cori over in social work about this. I mean, is that ok to do?” Ginny asked.
“I don’t know. I mean I guess it is ok to just talk to anyone, but the questions he was asking, it felt like he wanted me to ‘tell’ on Patience, which is impossible. She is one of our best nurses here. But I heard that Jim’s family decided to sue the facility,” said Helen.
“That’s what I heard too,” said Ginny. Helen nodded.
“Well, I hope they change their minds. Working with people is so hard, especially the elderly. You try to do your best and help, but it seems like it is never enough,” said Helen as she grabbed her bag and looked straight into Ginny’s eyes, ignoring the piercings and teal blue hair. “Do you ever feel like that?” she asked.
“No, I just look at it as my job, and making sure my residents are taken care of means I did my job. At the same time, I think having a loved one not die under someone else’s care is not asking too much,” said Ginny. Helen looked at Ginny silently, processing what she said and nodded.
“Sometimes, doing everything you can do is just not enough. Everyone wants more, or to be compensated if something happens,” she said as she walked towards the exited out of the secure unit. “Have a good day, don’t talk to any lawyers if the come around,” she said as she punched in the and exited the unit. Ginny stood there alone in the secure unit for a moment. Since the residents were still asleep, it was nice just too have one moment of peace. She breathed it in, taking another sip of her brown water thinking about Patience. She remembered overhearing her and Mary talk about her divorce, and now she will possibly have to talk to some lawyer about Jim’s death. Ginny put her drink down and went to go check in on Annamae. As she walked into the room knocking on the door, she saw Annamae breathing strangely, her eyes wide open, staring at a corner. This was not the breathing of someone dying, it was fear. Ginny followed Annamae’s gaze and saw a little boy in the corner staring at her. He looked like he was about thirteen years old with very dark skin and a grey suit. He turned his gaze to Ginny, smiled, then turned back to Annamae. Annamae starred back at him and started to scream. Ginny ran to her.
“Annamae, what’s wrong? Are you having pain?” she asked, assessing her. Annamae grabbed Ginny’s hand, her breathing getting harder, staring at the corner. She slowly started to point in the direction of the little boy.
“He is here, isn’t he? He won’t leave me alone!” she cried. Ginny looked at the boy, standing in the corner, smiling.
“What do you mean Annamae?” asked Ginny. Annamae turned her hazy black eyes to Ginny. Ginny has seen this haze before, she knew Annamae might not live much longer. Annamae’s grip grew harder, making Ginny’s fingers turn red.
“He knows what I did!” she whispers. “He knows what I did, and now he won’t leave me alone! He is getting ready for me! He is going to have his revenge!” she whispered mixed with fear, knowing her end was coming. “You see him, don’t you? I know you see him!”
“Who?” Ginny asked. Tears poured down Annamae’s checks, locking her hazy gaze to Ginny.
“Jordan. It’s Jordan. He won’t leave me alone! I…I…am going to die today, and he is here to take me,” she cried. “He knows what I did! He knows that I killed him!” she cried. Ginny looked at the boy, he just continued to stare at Annamae and smiled.
“You killed him?” asked Ginny, shocked that the sweet Annamae that she has taken care of since she started at West 18th killed someone. The sweet southern belle from Mississippi that would not kill a spider in her room.
“He never wanted me. He never wanted to be with me. It was because I was white, wasn’t it!” she yelled at the corner. The boy continued to stare at her, with his emotionless smile. “He didn’t like me. I liked him so much, but he didn’t want me. He wanted the other pretty black girl instead, with the fluffy pink dress. I begged my mom for a pink dress, but she wouldn’t buy it for me. I wanted to be something he would like. I was so angry! I wanted to get back at him,” she cried harder and harder. Ginny noticed the boy took a step closer, listening to the story. “I was so mad, I had to get back at him. I didn’t mean anything to happen. I just wanted him to know he made a mistake.” She cried as she brought Ginny in closer. Ginny looked at her hazy black eyes as they grew wider. “You have to forgive me Ginny. Please, forgive me! I can’t go until someone forgives me,” she cried. Ginny held on to Annamae’s hand and got down at her level, clearing her throat.
“Forgive what Annamae?” she asked. Annamae moved her gaze to the corner.
“I told my mom he touched me one day after school. I lied about the whole thing. My mom told my dad, and then he got a bunch of men together, and…they…killed him. They kill him because of me!” she cried. Ginny felt shock run through her body, her sweet Annamae, responsible for having someone killed. Tears ran down Annamae’s face, staining her pajama top, her body shaking. She grabbed Ginny’s uniform pulling her close to her.
“Grant me forgiveness! You must forgive me for what I did! I was only thirteen years old and fell in love with him! I didn’t know it would go that far! He ignored me when I wanted to be with him! I had to get back! I…I just didn’t know that it would kill him. Forgive me!” she cried, begging Ginny. Ginny stayed silent as the boy in the corner came closer. Annamae looked at him. “Why didn’t you want me Jordan? Why?!” she cried as Ginny got out of her grip feeling the nurse come in behind her.
“Gosh Annamae, I can hear you from the other side of the doors, what is going on?” said Julia as she ran towards Annamae, with some Roxanol ready in hand. Annamae cried as she starred at the corner. Julia slowly put some Roxanol in her mouth. Ginny stood still, not knowing what to say. Julia help comfort Annamae as she continued to cry, turning to Ginny. “What just happened here?” asked Julia.
“I think she is seeing people in the room she used to know, and it is scarring her,” said Ginny. Julia sighed, understanding.
“Yeah, that happens,” she said, as she turned and looked at Annamae. Her breathing started to slow down yet her hazy eyes remained wide and fixed on the corner of the room. She finally closed her eyes, each breathe turning into heavy gasps. “Make sure she is comfortable, ok?” asked Julia. Ginny nodded as Julia left the room. Ginny repositioned Annamae, making sure she was clean, washed her mouth and face, and gave her an extra blanket. Before she left the room, she looked at the boy. He never stopped looking at Annamae. Ginny turned around and went to the window and opened it. She walked over to the boy.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you Jordan,” she said. Jordan turned his gaze to Ginny, with the same smile. He nodded and walked to the foot of the bed and watched Annamae sleep. Ginny left the room and went into the next room to get her next resident ready. She assisted the next resident up, brushed her teeth and hair, and put her in her wheelchair. She wheeled her resident past Annamae’s room and noticed the boy was gone. She walked in and saw that Annamae died.
___________________________________________________________
Ginny looked at the clock as it chimed 1:55 and the doors opened to the afternoon shift coming in. She happily gave report as she packed up and finished for the day. As she exited the memory care unit, she stopped at the nurse’s station, noticing a thick head of black curls at the desk.
“Mary?” she asked. Mary turned around with a tall cup of coffee in one hand. She smiled as she took a sip, the cup shaking in her hand.
“Hey Ginny! So, you made it in today, what time did you get home last night?” she asked.
“Midnight, and then I fell asleep around 1, so I got at least four hours of sleep last night. What about you?” Mary laughed.
“Well, I had today off, but Aspen called in and they really need someone. So, after a few more hours of sleep, I was able to make it,” she said smiling. Ginny smiled, wishing she can be like Mary sometimes. Ginny was about to say something when Edward suddenly approached the nurses station, walking right in front of Mary, ignoring Ginny.
“Hey Mary, did not think that I would see you here today,” he said smiling, not taking his eyes off her. Mary smiled as she grabbed a package of medication that he was dropping off. Ginny walked to the side where both of them could not see her, watching them talk to each other as if there was no one else in the world. Ginny took out her phone, pretending to text, but listened instead.
“I didn’t either. Surprised to see you to. Thanks from bringing us our meds, and for bringing me home last night,” she said. Edward smiled at her. Ginny noticed Edward stand taller as he looked straight into Mary’s eyes. Ginny knew his scars kept him inside his box. Her scares made her want to hide too, except hers were not visible.
“Anytime, I had to make sure you got home safe. You know, I was really enjoying our conversation last night, maybe we can continue it sometime over some coffee?” he asked naturally. Mary smiled as she stood up with the medication package.
“I would really like that. I just need to let Derrick know, can’t have him be jealous now,” she said laughing. “Just text me when,” she said as she walked away. Edward glowed under his hat as he watched Mary walk away with the medications into the med room. Feeling Ginny’s stare, he turned to look at her. Ginny smiled and gave him a thumbs up, mouthing ‘Good job.’ Edward blushed but smiled and walked out of the building taller than when he came in. Ginny went out the back door to clock out and walked towards her Toyota corolla. As she tried to get it to start, she thought about Jordan. She picture him, scarred and confused as a big group of men attacked him. A poor ten year old boy who did not do anything wrong. She was just as scarred when she was ten years old as well. Then there was Annamae. Did she really deserve to die warm and safe in her room, while he was scarred and tortured? Ginny’s car finally started as she drove out of West 18th back home to her 1930’s style apartment building, the cheapest she can find in Myriad.
Ginny continued to think about Jordan. What could a ten year old have done to deserve torture? She was the same age when she was tortured. She remembered leaving her body as a person who she trusted abused her. She remembered watching from above, her own grandfather who she trusted doing things to her body that he wanted to do. When it was over, she was back in her own body. She remembered telling her father about it, but he did not listen, saying that his own father did not do things like that. It was just her and her dad, and he needed someone to help watch her while he was at work. To protect herself, she would hide and not come out when her grandfather arrived to watch her. She remembered hearing her father say he doesn’t know why she always hides before her grandfather comes over. Her grandfather would laugh and say they like to play hide and seek. As the abuse continued, Ginny noticed that it hurt a lot when she had to pee. Her father took her to the doctor, who reported to the police there was severe vaginal taring and scaring. It took a stranger to save Ginny from her abuser, but who was there to save Jordan. Ginny wiped tears from her eyes as she drove to her parking spot and ran into her apartment. She could not get there fast enough, she had to get away from who she was. She ran to her closet and found her suit. She put on a white fake fur suit that had pink paws, like a cat. As she zipped it up, she put on the head of a white fox that she made from cardboard and fake fur. As Ginny put it on, she suddenly felt relaxed and calm. There were no more tears, and she was able to breath comfortably. She was not Ginny the abused, the hurt, or the ignored. She was now Foxy Goldie, and Goldie did not have anything wrong with her. Goldie was wild, open, happy, and free.
Ginny sat in front of her computer and went into the video/chat room called Furries Galore. After the abuse, she went to support groups of other girls who were raped. She found that she could not talk about the abuse. She was ashamed as to who she was, scarred of the world and its people. She knew she would never have a boyfriend, but she could not be a lesbian either like some of the other girls. She knew she had to express herself in some way but was still ashamed of who she was. She got all sorts of piercings because the pain made her feel alive. She changed her hair because her original blonde was Ginny, but being blue, or purple, or orange, means she was someone else. But changing her hair and getting pierced was not enough. She had to change everything about her. One day, she drew a picture of a fox with human features, when she realized she was drawing herself. Putting all of the materials on the credit card, she made her own costume and has never regretted it. She logged into the room, turned her camera on, and found all of her furry friends.
“Hey Foxy Goldie! What’s up?” “Hey Goldie is here!” “Now the party can start! Foxy in the house!” were all of the comments she heard, and all that she needed to hear. She smiled as her history, life, and seeing dead people all went out the window. She can now be who she really is and accepted for who she is. She would be there at the computer for the rest of the night.