1969
It felt different breathing in fresh air. All he was used to was thick humid air that coated his lungs every time he breathed in. It was nice breathing in the dry heat, with hints of her perfume, erasing the smell of rotten flesh from his memory. The feeling of this freshness made him smile, as he looked at her, noticing her long brown hair, split straight down the middle, flowing like waves as the wind controlled each strand. Her flowing white dress and a small crown of flowers made her look pure and innocent. He squeezed her hand, feeling the power of possession consume his body. After a year of waiting, she was now going to belong to him and no one else. He did not realize how possessive he was until he made the decision to make her his. He had the whole evening planned out: He will lay out a picnic blanket, she will sit down, they will have the dinner he packed for them, and then he will propose to her, his beautiful Lydia.
He felt her mover\ her hand to his knee as he drove his brothers 1964 Ford Mustang, reminding him of the last time he saw her. He remembered boarding the bus, saying good-bye to her as he committed her thick red lips and her soft white face to memory. He fantasized about those lips for a whole year. His last kiss with her tasted of sweet moist red velvet cake. After tasting her kiss, he looked at those delicious lips, as they said ‘I’ll be waiting’ as the bus doors closed, taking him away to the plane going to Vietnam. Since his return, she seemed to be the only person happy to be with him. She was not like the rest of the people that would spit at him when he walked off the plane. He felt a surge of anger rise in him, but turned his attention to Lydia, with her innocent crown and bright brown eye. The sounds of the gun shots, the screams and heat that lingered in his mind all went away.
“I am happy you are back Jimmy,” she said softly taking one of her flowers out of her crown and gently rubbed it on his check. Jim smiled as he pulled off the main road, feeling childlike as he got closer to a special area that only his family knew about. He wanted to share the beautiful view of Monument Valley with Lydia, making it their place. Once they arrived, he stopped the car and got out quickly to open Lydia’s door. He was so excited, he almost forgot to keep looking at the ground, as he was trained to do so in Vietnam. She stepped out, mouth open and eyes wide as she looked at the view of Monument Valley. Jim felt pleased with himself as he went to the trunk and took out a picnic basket and his mothers red and white checkered blanket. He laid it out and escorted her to sit down as he unpacked the dinner. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and some red velvet cake that his mother made for them.
“Would you like some wine?” he asked. He started to feel the chill in the air, reminding him that time was running out. At sunset, he will propose, she will say yes, and then he will take her, making all of his longings and desires come true. Lydia playfully took the glass from him and sipped it, looking at the valley.
“This is beautiful Jimmy, how did you ever find this place?” she asked.
“Well, my brother and I used to walk around here a lot, before I enlisted. After I left, I always knew the next time I see you, I wanted it to be here,” he said as he laid out their meal, handing her some of chicken. Lydia smiled, putting up her hand in refusal.
“Sorry Jimmy, but I am a vegetarian. I will just have the mashed potatoes,” she said gently. Jimmy nodded.
“When did that happen?” he asked, handing her a plate of potatoes.
“Since I met Sunflower and Buzzy,” she said gently, smiling at Jimmy.
“Who are they?” He asked as he made his plate of food.
“Oh Jimmy, they are wonderful! I cannot wait for you to meet them. They are these really peaceful people that have really opened my eyes to our world. I mean, gosh Jimmy, it is so dark out there. Buzzy has really opened my eyes about the lack of love, equality and freedom. Everyone is too busy being worried about how they look, their bad breath and showers. Like, no one cares about poverty or race oppression,” she said gently. Jim looked at his food, remembering how long he went with out a shower, sweating in the humidity, sleeping in his boots wishing he could shower and brush his teeth. “Then they send you out to that stupid war…killing all of those innocent people. Oh Jimmy, I wish you never went. I wish you were here with me, opening your mind to the horrendous ills of our society.” She said peacefully, as she leaned on him, eating her potatoes. Jim stayed silent, thinking of all the men he worked with, some losing limbs, others not making it in what she calls the ‘stupid war.’ Lydia felt his silence and looked at him.
“Are you ok Jimmy? Your aura is all off, did I say something wrong?” she asked.
“Nobody chose to go out there Lydia. A bunch of men in offices and suits told me and all the other guys to go out there and fight,” he said, not looking at her while he ate.
“But Jimmy, you enlisted. According to Buzzy, you were choosing to participate in all that carnage,” she said gently.
“If I didn’t enlist, then I would have been drafted Lydia. I was going regardless. You know that my family has absolutely no money and I was on the top of the list,” he said.
“Buzzy says you are all baby killers,” she said softly, starring at him. Jim stopped chewing right there and looked at her. Images flashed in his mind of motherless children he saw looking for help, crying and naked. He remembered giving what rations he could to those children. He remembered feeling for them, only now to be called a baby killer by a faceless man.
“Is that what you wanted to say to me, after being gone for so long?” he growled. Lydia’s eyes grew big, as she realized that she made a mistake. She put her plate down and looked at Jim, ashamed.
“I’m sorry Jimmy. I didn’t mean to say that. It is just…war is such a bad thing. We all just want it to stop,” she said gently. Jim nodded but didn’t say anything. There was not one man he was with that truly wanted to be there, but was still there, doing what they felt was right, or at least that is what the men in the nice suits in the nice houses told him.
“It’s ok Lydia, it is just a crazy time. Let’s just move forward. I have been thinking a lot about the future. I think I am going to try to get into Arizona state,” he said. Lydia smiled as she swallowed some of her potatoes.
“Oh Jimmy! That is a wonderful idea! College will be so good for you!” Jim felt excited hearing this, put his plate down and gently grabbed both of her hands, noticing the sun was getting lower.
“After college, I think we should get married and stay here, start a family. I mean, I want to start my life with you Lydia. I waited so long, and now I think I am ready,” he said. Lyida looked at him, peacefully but stayed quit. “So, what I am trying to say is, Lydia, will you marry me?” he asked. The flower petals on her crown moved gently with the wind, as the red light from the sunset made her hair glow. She gently squeezed his hand but let go and stood up, keeping her back to Jim.
“I am leaving with Sunflower and Buzzy next week Jimmy,” she said. Jim looked at her confused.
“What do you mean you are leaving? We were going to wait for each other! Start out lives together! Lydia, you told me you would wait for me,” he said, aggravated as he stood up.
“Jimmy, I don’t want any of this right now. Buzzy says we are going to someplace called Woodstock next week. There is this big show happening that is promoting peace and love for everyone. I want to be a part of that,” she said, not looking at Jim in the eye. Jim felt rage build up inside of him. He heard that Buzzy name again. He looked up at the sky and slammed his foot into the ground.
“Who is this Buzzy guy to you? Is he your boyfriend? Did you fall in love with him?” he yelled. Lydia was taken back by his words but stood her ground.
“We all love each other, Jimmy. We are all meant to be together as one,” she said. Jim rolled his eyes and looked at her.
“Did you fuck him Lydia?” He yelled. Lydia stayed silent and looked at the ground, ashamed but stayed silent. Jim starred hard at her. He remembered her mouthing ‘I will wait for you’ to him. Did it mean nothing to her? Those words kept him alive for a year in Vietnam, knowing a beautiful girl like her would be waiting for him. He felt angry, thinking of a dirty long-haired man with a tattered beard, kissing Lydia up and down her virginal body, desecrating it. He ran up to her, feeling this anger. Lydia stepped back in fear, eyes wide, almost too scared to move. Jim grabbed her shoulders hard and looked at her, indenting his fingers hard into her, making her flinch from the pain. “Did you fuck him?!” he yelled shaking her.
“Jimmy! Stop it! You’re scarring me!” she yelled as he shook her harder, but those words meant nothing to him. All her words no longer meant anything to him. She was once the innocence of life to him, something pure and true, taken away to become a dirty hippie whore. Jim felt more range building up inside of him. The dead babies, being called a baby killer, her promise to wait, all of it was for nothing. A year of working for his country, fighting for her to have a good life. He has nothing now. She took it all away from him. His angry build inside of him as memories crashed everywhere around him, the anger he held in, the hate he buried deep inside, all erupting at once.
“Let me go Jimmy! Now!” she yelled. Jim grabbed her and turned her around, putting his hand on her mouth as she screamed harder. He held on tight, growling in her ear.
“Shut up!” he growled, but she continued to kick and scream, and his grip grew tighter. He was suddenly not there anymore. He was suddenly back in the humidity, silencing a friend who was dying, a friend who would not make it. Her screams becoming his friends, all blending into a different world. He was suddenly back in the jungle, ready to stop the suffering. He felt sweat beading on his forehead, hearing the wet silence of the jungle. He whispered in her ear, “No more suffering,” he whispered as grabbed her tightly, squeezing her so hard as she tried to break free. He felt power surge through his body, his control of her and of the situation finally broke through. No one was telling him what to do anymore, he was in control now and he was able to take away her power. He shook with excited as he felt her try to break free, tightening his grip over her tiny body, until he heard a snap, and her body went limp in his arms and the screaming stopped.
He held her, still whispering in her ear, “No more suffering. There you go, no more,” he whispered as he laid her down on the red and white checkered picnic blanket. He gently ran his hands through her hair, smoothing it out as her lifeless eyes looked at him. He gently touched her check and smiled. “Now you officially belong to me,” he said, as he sat down and took another sip of his wine, looking at her body. The excitement he felt started to fade into a satisfaction he never felt before. He starred at her lips, those red lips he wanted to devour when she was finally going to belong to him. He felt desires creep through his body making him feel there is more to do, a lust that needed to be satisfied. He needed to consume those moist lips, feed his desire for her. He noticed red velvet cake his mother made for them. He licked his lips, salivating at the glimpses of red cake peaking from the white icing. He thought about how smooth it would be, the taste of moist red cake, belonging to him and him alone. He grabbed the cake, and submerged his face into it, eating every piece he could, licking the plate, grabbing it intensely, thrusting his face into each bite. He felt excitement rush through his body with each lick of the cake, melting in his mouth. Each taste were her lips, making every part of his body shiver. He knew this is how her lips would taste. He ate the whole thing while starring at her, not leaving a single trace of it behind.
He collapsed on the ground, breathing fast after feeling his release. The satisfaction of being in control, the taste of the cake, and the ownership of Lydia soothed him. He felt the release of buried feelings and sadness leave his body. He knew he did the right thing. She will forever be the innocence he needed in his life. As the sunset, he decided to clean up. He started a fire and burned all of Lydia’s clothes, took his eating utensils and started to dig. It took him until two in the morning, but he dug a hole deep enough to put in Lydia’s tiny naked body and cover her up. When that was complete, he went to the fire to burn the contents of her purse, noticing her red lipstick. He thought about those lips again and again. Instead of throwing it into the fire, he put it in his pocket. He felt her next to him. He scattered the ashes as best he could. He surveyed the area, pleased with how well he cleaned up. The sun started to rise, making Monument valley glow as he walked over to the Ford Mustang. There he saw a raven, perched on a rock, starring at him. Jim heard the Raven speak, ‘I know what you did.’ Jim smiled and put a single finger to his lips.
“Shh, don’t tell anyone” he said quietly to the Raven as he got in the car and drove off.
Day After Jim Died
Mary starred at her computer screen, thinking about yesterday. It was one of the longest and hardest days she ever had. After only six hours of sleep, she tried to keep a happy face but it was hard. All she thought about was how Jim died, alone in his room. He suffered so much PTSD from Vietnam, fighting for his country. She wondered what it was he was reaching for in his last moments alive. She was suddenly knocked out of her trance as she saw someone approach the desk.
“Hi, can I help you…oh my goodness! Gary and Lydia! How are you doing?” she asked, as she realized she was looking at Jim’s two children.
“It has been hard, but at the same time, expected. We wanted to pick up Dad’s things,” said Lydia. Mary smiled and stood up.
“Of course, let me help you. And I am so sorry for your loss,” she said. Lydia nodded, holding back her tears. Her brother Gary put his arm on her shoulder. “Let me help, his room is down over here,” she said gently, leading them down the hall to Jim’s old room, without an upwards glance. They all walked in seeing all of Jim’s things, leaving little clues and traces of the man he used to be.
“We are going to need a few boxes, do you have any?” Lydia asked. Mary nodded and retrieved as many as she could hold, as Gary and Lydia started to pack their dad’s life away.
“I want you all to know that I really cared for your dad. He was a war hero, and a wonderful person. We used to tell corny jokes to each other all the time. I will never forget that,” said Mary.
“Yeah, Dad used to tell them to us,” Gary said as he looked around. “You know, packing this stuff up should be a lot easier then packing up the house after mom died,” he said.
“Goodness, I remember all of that. Remember how dad told us not to bother with her things in the closet? It was like he wanted to preserve her memory or something,” said Lydia as she put her father’s plaid shirts into one of the boxes.
“She was a collector?” asked Mary, not remembering Jim talking about his late wife too much.
“Hoarder. Never threw anything away. In the back of their closet, she loved to keep boxes of newspapers. Dad said she loved to go back and read them for some reason,” said Gary as he smiled, thinking about his mom.
“And remember that weird box we found next to them? Apparently, Mom liked collecting lipstick. She had all sorts of them, some used, some barely touched. Some were dated all the way back to the seventies. And what was weird, they were all different brands, but almost the same shade of red,” said Lydia. “The funny thing is, I don’t remember mom wearing red lipstick. I actually don’t remember her wearing much makeup at all.”
“I wonder why dad was so secretive about that. I mean maybe he was embarrassed about it or something,” he said.
“Well, Jim was definitely a neat guy. Secretive, but really neat,” said Mary, smiling as she thought more about Jim and how they joked around with each other. “Do you need anything else in here?” she asked.
“No thanks, we are good. Thank you Mary,” said Gary.
‘No problem, just holler if you need anything, I will be down the hall,” said Mary. Before leaving, she looked out at the window where she used to sit with Jim as they told corny jokes to each other. Perched by the bench, she saw a big black bird, starring at her, barely moving. Mary looked straight back at it, then turned around and left the room, leaving Lydia and Gary to put what was left of Jim into box