She wanted to be wrapped up in her favorite blanket with her mother holding her, telling her everything is going to be ok. This was the first place of escape her mind went to as she read the email from the administrator of West 18th Avenue. She starred at it, feeling her insides ready to burst up her throat as she reread the same sentence over again, ‘Come in at 9 tonight so we can talk about Jim.’
“Patience, Maria is up and has a skin tear,” said a young voice from the door. Patience nodded in her response.
“Ok Ginny, I’ll be right there,” she said, maintaining her stare at the computer screen. Patience felt her fear trying to burst out of her body in tears, but she swallowed them back and went to take care of her resident. Patience walked down the dimly lit hallway, surrounded by bright green and brown colors that she no longer noticed. Everything blurred on her way to Maria’s room, her mind scrambling about the email and Jim’s death.
“Hi Mrs. Maria, what happened here?” asked Patience as she entered the room. She pushed Jim and the email away and went into what she called her ‘nurse mode.’ She sat down on the bed, next to a little woman with a light blue nightgown and white long hair that draped over her shoulders, reminding Patience of sheer silk curtains, dangling in front of a window.
“I bumped my arm,” Maria whispered in a soft voice, mimicking a child’s. Patience looked at Maria’s skin, clinging loosely to her bones, reminding her of thin cloth making little folds over itself with a flap of dangling skin. Patience placed the flap back on top of the thin cloth like skin into its proper place, fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece, measured it, and applied steri-strips.
“Good as new,” Patience said gently, rubbing Maria’s hand. Maria smiled and closed her eyes, gently putting her forehead onto Patience’s cheek.
“God bless you child,” Maria whispered into Patience’s ear. Patience assisted Maria back into bed, making her comfortable and walked to the nearest desk, writing down what she observed. Feeling a presence, she looked up noticing two brown eyes gazing at her with a non-smile/non-frown expression.
“Sandro, it is 5:20, what are you doing here so early?” she asked. Sandro shrugged.
“Woke up early, and couldn’t fall back asleep. So, I thought I would come in and say hello to all you night shifters,” he said smoothly, as the words oozed out of him like melted butter. Patience moved her gaze to two nurse aide girls as they slowly walked by. Sandro acknowledged the girls with a minor head tilt. “Morning ladies,” he said with his butter words.
“Morning Sandro,” the girls sang in unison, as they walked down the hall, looking back at him and giggling with each other. Sandro just watched them walk by while Patience rolled her eyes.
“Always the ladies man, huh Sandro?” she asked, looking at her computer. Sandro looked right at her.
“I am actually a one lady kind of a man Nurse Patience,” he said, starring straight at her. Patience felt his stare and looked back.
“I hope you find her,” she said as she walked away from him and into a humming computer room. A lot of the staff hated this room with constant sounds of the computers working together, but to Patience, she found a strange comfort with the sound. It drowned out all of her other cares and allowed her to focus on the task at hand. She went to her favorite computer, torturing herself by looking at the email again, trying to see if there is something she needs to decipher. Sandro sat down next to her.
“Sorry Patience, I was not trying to get at anything. I was just being funny,” he said. Patience nodded as she felt her long braids fall in front of her face, not leaving her glance from the screen.
“That’s great Sandro, but can you go be funny with someone else? I really need to get this done so I can get home to my kids,” she said as she started typing. Sandro nodded as he stood up and left the room. Patience did not say good bye, or acknowledge the weight of his stare as he walked away.
“Good morning Patience,” said another voice walking into the computer room. Patience smiled as she looked at Jasmine, noticing her boy cut hair and sleeve of tattoos. She loved how Jasmine can wear have her hair cut so short and stand with a proud wide stance, and still have a gleam of femininity about her.
“Hi Jas, how was your night?” she asked. Jasmine shrugged.
“Put the little guy to bed, finished a bottle of wine, talked to my boyfriend on the phone…you know, a typical Thursday night,” she said as she logged onto the computer. “Hey, do you know if Mary is coming in today?” she asked.
“I don’t think so, she was here for 16 hours the other day. I think she was finishing a 7 day stretch,” Patience murmured, not looking up from her computer.
“Well…we are all planning on going out. Mary needs to do something, and Derrick won’t do shit. He has been drinking a lot, and it annoys the fuck out of her. So I told her we should annoy him and get you drunk,” laughed Jasmine as she gathered her paper work. “Hey! You should come out with us.”
“No. If I am not at work, than I am home taking care of my boys.”
“Get a babysitter.”
“They cost money.”
“Alright, but when you are ready, just say the word. I know a great place that has the best drag shows and cheap drinks. Plus, one of our aides is performing as a drag queen,” Jasmine giggled. Patience froze, looking at Jasmine.
“Who?”
“It is Anthony, the aide that works the afternoon shift,” said Jasmine.
“Well, now that is something I would have to see.”
“Great, we will set up a party night next time he does a show! Now let’s go count narcs so you can get home.” Patience walked with Jasmine to the narc cart, counted up the narcs and then went into a room to give report. While talking to Jasmine, Patience still had the words from their administrator echoing in the back of her mind. When they finished, Patience went into the one room that gave her peace and finished her charting. As she gathered her things, she walked to the door to clock out.
“Have a nice day Nurse Patience,” said Sandro from behind her. Patience looked up at him as he stood by the door, looking down on her.
“You too Sandro, and behave,” she said with a tease. She turned around to walk away and felt his stare lasting longer on her. She was not ready to turn around and acknowledge it. That would mean she can move on.
Patience got into her car, realizing it snowed during the night, making her drive to her mother’s house slower and longer. As she walked in, and saw her mother in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee.
“Hi Mom,” she said.
“Hey baby, how is my girl doing?” she asked with open arms ready to embrace her. Patience smiled and hugged her mom as if she was a stranger. She tried not to think of the email, but it hovered over her.
“I’m ok. I am going to wake up the boys,” she said as she creeped upstairs, slowly opening the door to the boy’s bedroom. She noticed the night light was still on, displaying stars and moons in different colors on the walls. She slowly went up to her youngest son, laid next to him breathing him in. He smelled of peanut butter and bananas, his favorite combination. She hugged him gently, whispering into his ear.
“Good morning my sleepy bug,” as she kissed him gently on the cheek. The boy stirred and moaned as he stretched his arms over head, slowly opening his eyes. Patience noticed his spider-man pajama top reaching his belly button.
“Momma,” he said with a smile that showed two missing front teeth. Patience walked to her other son, who put his head under the covers.
“Good morning Cedrick,” she whispered.
“No!” he yelled from under the blanket.
“It is time to get up. We have school today.” Cedric kept his head under the covers.
“No!” he yelled. Patience rolled her eyes as she helped her youngest put his clothes on.
“I’m being good mommy, not like Cedrick.”
“I know you are Anton. You are always my wonderful little man. Now go make your bed and brush your teeth.” Proud and smiling, Anton ran to his bed and tried his best to put the sheets back in place. “Cedrick, you have five minutes to get out of bed, get dressed, brush your teeth, and come down stairs, or so help me…” she paused as she pulled the covers off of his bed, leaving Cedrick bare to the world. Cedrick kicked and sat up with a grunt, eyeing his mother. Patience saw the same look from his father the night she ran away from him.
“Dad lets us sleep in as late as we want,” he growled. Patience froze at the comment and stormed over to Cedrick, grasped his chin and made him look straight at her.
“Well you are not there, so get dressed before I send you to school naked!” she said, letting go of his chin. She turned around to see Anton starring at her, eyes wide. Patience took a deep breath and smiled. “Come on my sleepy bug, let’s go have some breakfast.” Anton grabbed her hand and they went downstairs where her mother was making some eggs and bacon.
“Yay! Grandma Chloe is making eggs!” he yelled as he ran to the table and grabbed his knife and fork and stood them up in his hands, waiting for his plate of food. Patience laughed as she grabbed a coffee mug and poured herself some coffee.
“Thanks for making breakfast mom,” she said. Chloe winked at her.
“Gotta pull my weight around here somehow,” she said.
“What is your day looking like at the college?” Patience asked, sipping her coffee.
“Oh, you know, clean this, vacuum that. Once I’m done, I will pick the boys up from school.”
“Yeah, that will be great, thanks mom,” said Patience. She felt Chloe kiss her on her head, as she went over to give Anton his eggs and bacon.
“Bye my honey bee, you eat all of this and do good at school, ‘k?” Anton nodded in excitement as Chloe kissed him on his head. “There’s extra for Cedrick, when he gets out of bed,” she said, putting the pan down on the stove.
“Thanks again mom,” said Patience, nursing her coffee, thinking about getting some sleep as soon as she drops the boys off at school. “Cedrick! Get down here now! Your breakfast is getting cold!” she yelled.
“Mom! I’m right here,” he growled as he suddenly appeared in front of her.
“Oh…well next time move faster, we are going to be late,” she said. Cedrick sat at the table and just starred at his mom with a blank face. “What is it?”
“Dad said he is sorry,” he said starring at her. This made Patience freeze with her coffee cup at her mouth. She starred at Cedrick, noticing how he looked just like Cecil.
“Ced, that is between me and him.”
“But he is really sorry. Can’t we go back home with him now? I want my room back!”
“No!” Patience snapped scarring both boys. Anton’s fork dropped on his plate, making the cling echo through the house. Patience composed herself. “This is where we live. You can visit your dad on the weekends, but we are not living with him anymore. Now go get your breakfast.” Cedrick starred at the table.
“I am not hungry,” he whispered as he walked into the living room to lay down. Patience sighed and sat down next to Anton.
“Eat up baby so we can get ready for school,” she said softly. Anton nodded and gobbled more of his food. Patience found herself gathering up her things and leading the boys to the car. They all stayed silent the whole time. She dropped Anton off at elementary school first, and then took Cedrick to junior high. She looked at him starring out the window, feeling his hurt. Patience wanted to take it all away from him, but that means she would have to go back to Cecil, giving him permission to do it all over again.
“Ced? Maybe before I go back to work tonight, we can go to that trampoline place you like. Remember all of the trampolines and basketball hoops? What do you think?” Right when she said that, she did a rough math calculation in her head with how much money she had in her bank account. Cedrick continued to stare out the window.
“I don’t feel like it,” he said. Patience put the car into park and turned to look at him.
“Ced, I know you are mad about what is going on. Trust me, we did not want this to happen,” she said softly.
“What did he do mom? Can’t you just forgive and forget? That is what you tell me all the time with my friends. Why is this any different?”
“Because it is,” she said. Cedrick rolled his eyes as he grabbed his backpack and got out of the car.
“Whatever mom,” he said as he slammed the door. Patience watched him walk into school, and slowly drove away. She started to feel her eyes fall, it was going on 8 o’clock. As she got back to her mother’s house, she ate Cedrick’s cold eggs and bacon, starring out the window. The email pushed itself back into her mind. Is she getting fired? Is the family suing over the Jim’s death? Her phone vibrated with a text from Cecil. She looked at it and rolled her eyes. ‘I am really sorry, I love you’ followed by a sparkly heart. Aggravated, she put the dishes in the sink and went upstairs to her mom’s guest room, which was slowly becoming her room. She laid down on the day bed that she used when she was younger. She realized that she was still wearing her scrubs from the night shift, but she didn’t care. She felt herself sink into the white comforter covered with pink bows, surrendering to its warmth and security. Her eyelids fell as hard as rocks, but she never fell asleep. Every morning sound from birds to lawnmowers made her jump, including her phone.
“Hello?” she answered in a half sleep half-awake tone.
“Mrs. Washington, this is Mrs. Suzy, from Aladar Elementary. Anton just threw up in class and is running a fever, so he needs someone to come take him home.”
“Yes, um…thank you, I will be there shortly,” Patience said. She threw her head back, looking at the clock. Three hours of sleep. Patience washed her face, and got into her car, still wearing her scrubs. As she got to the school, she saw him sitting on a bench, with a stained shirt.
“I am so sorry momma,” he said as he started to cry. “I didn’t want to throw up,” he said between sobs.
“Oh, baby, I know,” said Patience as she held him, not caring about his vomit stained shirt, rubbing itself on her. She held him as he cried into her shoulder. “Let’s go home and get some rest, ok?” she whispered. Anton nodded as she gently lead him to her car and drove home.
“I wanna sleep with you momma,” he said between sniffles.
“Of course baby, we can take a nap together. How about I get you some blue gatorade? You know…the blue stuff?” she asked as she walked into the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Patience looked through the peep hole and suddenly took a step back. Everything inside of her froze, telling her to not open the door. The doorbell rang again. Shaking, she slowly opened the door to a small slit, just big enough where she saw Cecil looking at her, smiling his charming smile.
“Hey,” he said softly looking down at the ground, reminding Patience of the shy boy she fell in love with a long time ago. Patience small slit opening, nodding her head in acknowledgement. “How are things going here?” he asked balancing back and forth on his heels and toes, hands jammed in his pockets.
“Good…we are doing good,” she said.
“How are the boys?”
“Ced is in school, and I just picked up Anton. He threw up at school.”
“Yeah, um…I can see that,” said Cecil, pointing to Patience’s scrub top. Patience looked down and sighed.
“Oh…I totally forgot. So, I need to take care of all this, so I will see you la..” she said as she was closing the door until Cecil grabbed it.
“Wait! Please, Patience. Um, I just wanted to tell you I am sorry,” he said. “Didn’t Ced tell you that?”
“Cecil… do not use our son to send me messages,” she growled.
“Yeah, I know, it’s just…you won’t talk to me Patience. You are not giving me a chance to say I’m sorry and that it will never happen again.”
“What? Hitting me? Giving me a black eye?” Cecil looked at his feet, as he rocked harder. Patience knew he was getting frustrated.
“Listen, Patience…”
“Don’t you tell me to listen! Don’t you tell me…”
“Damn it woman! Let me talk!” he screamed as he charged towards the door, stopping suddenly. Patience instinctively tried to slam the door, but she hit Cecil’s hand, and heard Anton’s soft cry from behind her, watching the whole conversation. Cecil looked both of them, breathing heavily, noticing a bruise forming in one hand, and a fist with the other. “Hi son. Um, your momma and I are just talking. I see that you are not feeling well,” he said, backing away, shaking both of his hands.
“I got sick at school. Momma, can I have some blue stuff?” he asked.
“Of course baby, you father was just leaving,” she said, starring at Cecil. Cecil glared at Patience and then looked down at Anton, flashing his charming smile as he got down to Anton’s level.
“You feel better soon, ok son? I hope the blue stuff helps. I will pick you up from school on Friday and we’ll have the whole weekend together,” he said releasing his charm. “Is that ok Patience?”
“Yes Cecil,” she said. Cecil stood up, looking at Patience with the same look the night he hit her. A look that told Patience he was not done with her.
“Bye son! I love you! Um, Patience, maybe you and I can talk sometime?” he asked.
“Of course Cecil, as long as our lawyers are there,” she said slamming the door, locking it. She turned to look at Anton and winked at him.
“Let’s get you some of that blue stuff,” she said. Anton smiled as they both had a glass of the blue stuff, clinking the glasses together, as if they were at a restaurant. Patience saw Cecil’s eyes start to fall and brought him upstairs into her warm and secure comforter. She laid him down and remembered to change both of their vomit stained clothes into pajamas. When she laid down next to him, she held on to him, dreaming about being in stairwell, holding on to Anton as his father was chasing them up the stairs, with Anton screaming ‘Don’t let me go momma!’
Patience woke up to the sounds of her mother and Cedrick coming home. She looked at her phone, seeing it was three-thirty. She poked Anton playfully next to her.
“Wake up sleepy bug,” she whispered as she scratched his back. Anton smiled in his sleep.
“Four minutes,” he said. Patience smiled and kissed him on the cheek. She put on her robe and went downstairs to see Cedrick playing on his Xbox and her mother cleaning the kitchen.
“Good morning sun shine,” she said. Patience smiled and walked to the coffee machine and started a new brew. “Is that all you drink? Coffee?” Chloe asked.
“Is that all you do? Complain?” Patience asked walking towards Cedrick.
“How was school today Ced?”
“It was school. Dad texted me today. He said he came over to say he is sorry and you slammed the door in his face,” said Cedrick. “Why do you hate him so much?” he asked, looking at Patience. Patience closed her eyes, looked at her mom. Her mother busied herself in the kitchen, pretending to not listen.
“Look, Cedrick, what is going on between your dad and I does not involve you. We are having our own problems right now.”
“Are you getting a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“Dad said you would say that,” he said as he threw his controller down and ran upstairs. Patience threw herself on the brown couch with stains she remembered making when she was a child. She threw her head back, closed her eyes, and listened to her mom walk into the living room.
“Here,” said Chloe, handing Patience her favorite coffee mug that said ‘Keep calm and Nurse on.’ Her mother sat across from her on the other brown stained couch.
“What should I do mom?”
“Well, you can stay with him, just like I did with your daddy,” Chloe said. Patience closed her eyes as she took a sip. She had a flash back of being in her mom’s room, trying on jewelry and putting on makeup when she heard them screaming. Patience remembered hiding under the bed, seeing both of her parent’s feet, hearing her father beat her mother until she fell to the ground, not moving with her eyes closed. It was the first time Patience prayed to God. The second time was after Cecil hit her.
“Why did you stay with Dad?” asked Patience.
“Don’t know. He made all the money and he had this weird thing with power…and he didn’t’ let me forget it.” Patience thought of everything she left behind, including all the money Cecil made.
“And now I have the same exact thing. A controlling abusive man with lots of money. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“Nobody enters a marriage thinking, ‘All right, now I’m ready to get a beatin’ Patience,” said Chloe. Patience smirked. “I guess, time, money, stress…they all bring out the real person inside. You got to see your real father, and now we get to see the real Cecil.”
“What about the real me mom? Am I allowed to be real? Or am I just another abused wife out there stuck and scared? I don’t know what to do about all of this! My son hates me, my husband beats me, and he is probably going to get a better lawyer than I can! Plus, I might get fired from my job! What about me Mom? What am I supposed to do about all of this?” Chloe gently put her coffee down, waiting for Patience to calm down. Patience help back her tears and sipped her coffee, feeling the thick silence. It made her miss the humming computer room at work.
“Do you know why I named you Patience?”
“No, I guess I never really thought about it.”
“Well, your father wanted to name you Eugenia. It was a family name of his. Well, I know you hated that name because every time he mentioned it, you squirmed around inside of me as if a bee was chasing you,” she said.
“Mom? What the hell does that mean?”
“Ever since day one of your life, you have always known what you wanted, and you were never wrong,” said Chloe, gently putting down her cup of coffee, smiling. “You know Patience, I may not have the degree that you have or be as smart as you, but there is one thing I know in this life, and it is you. You told me so much stuff about you before you were even born. We use to play what I called finger games together. I would rub my finger on my belly, and your little finger would pop up following it. I can still feel that little finger poking out of my belly,” Chloe said giggling as she looked at the brown carpet, as if she was seeing everything all over again. “You were always so curious about everything, even in my belly you still had to figure things out. That is how you told me you were observant, always cautious of everything around you. Whenever I ate chocolate, you would kick me until I ate some more, and let me tell you child, those were powerful kicks. That is how you told me you like chocolate. And during our finger games, I would try to trick you by poking a different area on my belly, but you would beat me to it. That is how you told me you were smart.” Chloe grew silent for a moment, as Patience listened to her mother. Chloe clasped her hand together and looked out the window. Patience noticed the wrinkles by her eyes with silver threads of hair mixed with her black hair, curled all together.
“Now on the last month of my pregnancy you were supposed to be delivered on January 20th. It just so happens, we had a huge snow storm come flying by, knocking this town right out of its shoes. Stores closed, electricity went out, everything you can think of did not work and people were stranded in their homes. Your father was so worried about you coming out during this time, because if you did, he would have to deliver you in our house. He was so worried about you, constantly asking me how I was doing and then complaining about how he knows nothing about babies. But I was never worried because I knew who you were. I knew you would be patient and come out at the right time. So, I just laid back and let that crazy old man make a ruckus over everything. Wouldn’t you know it, the snow storm ended, electricity came back on, people were starting to come out of their houses, and you told me you were ready to come out. You were delivered four hours later safely in the hospital. You knew exactly the right time to come out into the world and waited for it. Later on, you knew the right career to go for and waited for it. You knew the right man to give you the children you wanted and waited for it.”
“The right man, mom?” Patience asked sarcastically.
“He gave you the right kids didn’t he? He may be a jerk, but he did one thing right,” she laughed. Patience laughed too. “You have always been patient. You always know the right thing to do, and you always will.”
“So, is divorce the right thing? Sometimes I think I should just run right back to him and forget about all of this.”
“Baby, I cannot answer that. All I can say is, you will do the right thing. Whether everyone else agrees with it or not, you will do the right thing for you and your boys.”
“I’m scarred mom. I am just, tired and scarred. I kind of want to just give in and make it work. Then this will all be over…but at the same time, that means he can just hit me again.”
“As I said Patience, you will do the right thing. It will be hard, but you always do the right thing,” she said. Patience sighed, hating how she has to worry about this when her phone vibrated. She looked at it and saw it was West 18th Avenue calling.
“Hold on mom, its work. I have to take this,” she said as she went into the kitchen and answered her phone.
“Hi Patience, it is Lisa. Do you think you can come in at five so we can talk about the incident with Jim?”
“Yeah, sure Lisa, no problem,” she said, noticing it was already four in the afternoon.
“Thanks, we will see you soon,” she said and hung up. Patience pressed her lips together as she hung up walking back into the living room.
“That was Lisa, my boss. I have to go in for a meeting, are you ok with watching the boys?” she asked.
“Of course. Is everything ok?” her mother asked.
“A gentleman died during my shift. I have to go answer some questions about it.”
“Are you scarred?”
“Yes. What if I did something wrong mom? What if I lose my license over this and can’t work? Cecil is going to have lawyer’s mom. Expensive lawyers. I can’t let that man have custody of my boys. I will not let a man like that raise them to think it is ok to…to… do that to a woman.”
“Patience, look at me.” Patience looked right into her mom’s eyes. She wanted her mom to tell her it is going to be ok, to be safe and secure, to be the blanket she needed. “Whatever happens, we will all handle it, together,” said Chloe, hugging Patience. Patience buried her face into her mother’s shoulder, holding back every tear, but allowed herself to calm down.
“Ok. Thanks mom,” she said and kissed Chloe on the top of her head, realizing she needed to go to work. Patience went upstairs, took a shower and got dressed. She went into the bedroom the boys shared to say good bye.
“Are you going to work momma?” asked Anton. Patience nodded.
“Yes, but I just wanted to tell both of you that I love you,” she said as she kissed Anton on his head while he hugged her. Patience looked at Cedrick looking at his phone.
“I love you Ced,” she said.
“Whatever mom. Just go and run away from us like you do with dad,” he said. Patience gently let go of Anton and walked over to Cedrick’s side of the room and took his phone.
“Things are not always that simple Cedrick. Believe it or not, I am trying, and I would like to see you try too. So stop giving me the attitude!” she growled as she walked to the door holding his phone.
“Mom! Give it back! Dad gave that to me!”
“Show me some respect and I will,” she yelled behind her as she walked downstairs. All she heard behind her was Cedrick stomping in frustration. Patience felt a little satisfaction with that. She went into the kitchen to hide the phone, listening to the banging from Cedrick upstairs. Chloe smiled as she looked at Patience.
“Sorry mom, but I can’t take the attitude anymore,” she said.
“I hear that,” Chloe giggled as Patience walked to the garage, stopping in her footsteps. She turned and looked at her mom.
“Thanks for the talk mom,” she said as she put her coat on and walked to her car. She ran through her mind what to talk about with the administrator and Lisa as she drove to work. She thought about what would happen if she gets fired. Is she going to get fired? Patience parked her car at West 18th Avenue and took a deep breathe. She thought about her mother’s words and got of the car. She slowly walked to the administrator’s office and knocked on the door. She opened it to see Lisa and the administrator Greg.
“Hi Patience, come on it,” said Lisa in an inviting tone. Patience smiled took another breathe and closed the door behind her, remembering her mother’s words. She would always know what to do.